I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
