I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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