I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
