Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
