Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
