He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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