I showed him my bush... on skype.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
