how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
