Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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