my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
