So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
