Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
