If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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