She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
