I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
