it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
