I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
