Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
