Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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