Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
