There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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