yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
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