come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
