Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
