Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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