i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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