dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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