Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
