Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
