I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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