Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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