I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
high people should be assigned attendants
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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