we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
