so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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