I'm so fucking centered right now
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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