youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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