Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
