dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
farters have to be the big spoon...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
