hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
