the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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