I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
