im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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