there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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