is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
