Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
send nudes
from the living room?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
