After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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