hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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