I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
