were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
