I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Someone signed my nipple.
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