Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
