sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
